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Destructo-Button
SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Destructo-ButtonAny button you touch becomes a self-destruct button (that only destroys itself). We recommend stocking up on cell phones, TV remotes...oh, and The...
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1987 Man
SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: 1987 ManWith just a touch, 1987 Man turns any pair of jeans to acid wash. The 90’s were especially rough on our hero, forcing him to quit his job at the Gap. He now runs a...
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Walk through walls-ish
SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Walk Through Walls-ish, aka The StudfinderThere are all kinds of walls. Brick ones. Stone ones. Berlin ones. This power vibrates your molecules allowing you to walk through...
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Quantum Toot
SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Quantum TootFor most folks, being gassy has its consequences. Like smelling up your cubicle and then blaming it on the mailroom guy who just walked by. But when you have the...
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No-Go-liath
SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: NO-GOliathSuperhuman size. Totally human feet. Upon engaging the No-Go-liath power, the upper 95% of our superhero swells to impressive size. Shortly thereafter, he topples...
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ShadowFlex
SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: ShadowFlexBunny rabbits and birds. These are the normal human limits of shadow puppeteering. That is, unless you have ShadowFlex—the power to cast the shadow of a Bowflex home...
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Mamavision, a.k.a. PreMOMnition
SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: PreMOMnitionThe power to see what your mother is doing at all times. PreMOMnition cannot be turned off and operates similar to picture-in-picture technology, so your mom is...
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Laser Pointer Vision*
SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Laser Pointer Vision*Your gaze isn't strong enough to burn through anything, just strong enough to point things out. Makes prolonged eye contact particularly awkward and...
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In-flight flight
SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: In-flight flight.Being able to soar through the air still won't save you from recycled oxygen and endless stories from complete strangers. Known as the "Cabin Sparrow," this...
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Polarrhoids
SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Polarrhoids.When it comes to superheroes, a lot can happen in the blink of an eye. Like saving distressed damsels along train tracks, scooping up fallen tweens before they...
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Stair Master
SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Stair Master.Who doesn't enjoy gliding effortlessly from floor to floor at the local shopping mall? The Stair Master, that's who. Able to transform any escalator into stairs,...
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DANZAVERSARY
SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER:Tony DanzaversaryOnce every year, you turn into Tony Danza for an entire day. Don’t worry though, the changes are only cosmetic. So, uh…you’re still the boss.
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Superuseless...The Book
SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Ability to turn blog idea into bookIt’s true. We got a book deal. More details to come. In the meantime we are designing a set of spherical bookends.
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Healing Punch
SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Healing PunchFloat like a butterfly and sting like the bedside manner of Mother Teresa. As a superhero, sometimes you have to resort to violence. Too bad your ferocious fists...
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13th Bullet Bulletproof
SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Eventual Kevlar Skin.Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Boink.
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Unicorn Whisperer
SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Fantasy FailWithout unicorns, the entire airbrush industry would collapse. But ridding the world of unicorns is exactly what this power entails. With just a whisper into the...
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Post-It Nope
SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Post-It NopeTake out the trash, pay the credit card bill, dry-clean the erotic Japanese body pillow. Yep, sticky notes are great for all kinds of reminders. Unless you have...
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SNIDEKICK
SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: SnidekickYour right-hand man. Your brother-in-arms. Your sarcastic-prick-partner-in-a-mask? He’s the Snidekick. Unlike Robin or Tonto, this fucking guy always has some snarky...
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Snowfake
SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: SnowfakeFrom a tender young age, Gerald always knew he was special. And not just because he loved figure skating more than life itself. You see, Gerald (aka, Snowfake) can...
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